What Your Facial Hair Says About You
Few physical affectations say more about you than the way you wear your facial hair. Are you funny? rugged? a struggling artist? done with puberty? Your facial hair, or lack thereof, provides real insight into the real you (if you’re at a loss as to why parents grip their children tightly and cross the street when you approach, it’s probably time to shave off the wispy ‘stache, you fucking pedophile). Herein, what your facial hair says about you:
1. Cleanly Shaven No Facial Hair: A smooth mug indicates one of two things: The first is that you cannot actually grow facial hair, and are thus, with 80 percent certainty, Asian (whether you are in fact Asian, however, should be exceedingly obvious to anyone who pays you but the slightest of gazes. As such, we should note that shaving to convey a spurious Oriental genealogical background seems an exercise in futility.) Alternately, being cleanly shaven, day in and day out,
screams gainful employment at a bulge-bracket i-bank or consulting firm, and thus an income in the low six figures. Omit the whole thrice-weekly-existential-crises thing when whipping out your Amex at the bar and you’re good to go.
Good for picking up: rich, gullible Korean girls; prenupwielding trophy wives.
2. Five o’clock shadow: A no-no in most real offices, a few days of growth lets the world know that you are a brooding “creative” or, as they say in the biz, unemployed. (We’re sure your friend’s cousin’s niece passed along your script to her boss at William Morris, so don’t sweat it.) If nothing else, some thick stubble announces to the world that you heartily denounce the entire neocapitalist system of corporate whoredom as you head to the post office to pick up Daddy’s rent check. Now back to work on that screenplay, dude! Good for picking up: Trustafarian art students; coffee-shop baristas.
3. Goatee: What is this, 1997? Do you also have a favorite Hawaiian shirt for Casual Fridays, too? Ewwww. Shave that thing off immediately. Good for: nothing.
4. Full-on beard: a toss-up. Beards look badass when they’re grown in, but the intermediary phases can be pretty tough, especially if you have to go to work for a week and a half looking like one of those scraggly dudes you see pissing on the subway at 2:00 a. m. There’s also a fine line between “I am my own man” and “I chop wood for a living,” so, unless you’re self-employed, make sure you trim. If you are fortunate enough to make your own hours, grow that sucker out – you’re golden once girls realize you’re not a homeless rapist.
Good for: ensnaring crumbs; competing in the 2005 AFC Championship game.
5. Mustaches: We can safely assume that no twenty-something is making an earnest attempt to sport handlebars, so irony appears to be the guiding aesthetic for attempts in this category. As with most things of which irony is the guiding aesthetic, mustaches often look fucking ridiculous. Only about 3 percent of guys can actually pull off one without looking like they’re either trying too hard or a kiddie pornographer; if you have to ask yourself whether or not you are part of that 3 percent, you’re not. On the off chance that you can, it doesn’t really matter: you’re a style god and will probably get laid no matter what you look like. Asshole.
Good for: hipster trash; vaudeville fetishists.
QUICK TIP: If you are going to use a haircut vacuum extension to cut your hair, make sure to take it off before vacuuming.