Two and a half men 1×01 – pilot

[Charlie is in his bedroom with a girl. She holds up a very slinky outfit.]

Girl: So, what do you think?

Charlie: Wow. It’s for you, right?

Girl: It’s for both of us. Don’t go away. [She goes into the bathroom.]

Charlie: Don’t worry. There’s not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

[The phone rings. Charlie kicks off his shoes, and starts taking off his pants.]

Machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Rose: [On machine] Listen, you lousy SOB. I will not be treated like this.

[Charlie runs to get to the machine but is trapped by his pants round his ankles and falls over.]

Rose: [on machine] Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry.

[The girl in the apartment comes out of the bathroom.]

Rose: [on machine] I love you, Monkey Man.

Girl: Charlie? [He appears from the floor.] Who was that?

Charlie: Damn telemarketers.

Girl: A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?

Charlie: I’m on some weird list. Okay, it’s a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.

Girl: You are a bad, bad boy.

Charlie: And yet, you’re always the one getting spanked.

[She goes back into the bathroom. The phone rings again.]

Charlie: Jeez.

Machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Alan: [on machine] Charlie, it’s Alan. Your brother. No big deal, just wanted to touch base. My wife threw me out and I’m kinda losing the will to live. So, when you get a chance, I’d really love to… I don’t know…

Charlie: [picks up the phone] Oh hey, Alan, I’m sorry to hear about that.

[The girl emerges from the bathroom.]

Charlie: [on phone] So, where you gonna go, to a hotel or… [to girl] Wow! [on phone] Huh? Well, yea, I guess you could stay here. Okay, I’ll see

you when you get here. [hangs up. To Girl] We better hurry.

[They run to the bed and start to make out. The bedroom door opens and Alan peers round, closing his mobile phone. Charlie looks up – angry.]

Alan: Oh, is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

[In the living room. Charlie is sitting on the sofa drinking wine. Alan is pacing.]

Alan: Twelve years, and she just throws me out. I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? You know, till death do us part. Who died? Not me. Not her.

Charlie: How did you get in my house?

Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock, only works if it’s among other rocks. Not sitting on your welcome mat.

Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it’s impossible to find when you’re drunk.

Alan: You know, I’m a good husband. I’m faithful.

Charlie: Is she?

Alan: Is she what?

Charlie: Faithful.

Alan: [makes a kind of choking noise] Don’t be ridiculous. Judith doesn’t even like sex. I mean, all she kept saying was she felt suffocated, you know? She kept going on and on, “I’m suffocating”, “I’m suffocating”. What does that mean, you know? Has a woman ever said that to you?

Charlie: Well, yea, but not a woman who doesn’t like sex.

Alan: And Jake, this could just destroy Jake.

Charlie: Jake?

Alan: My son.

Charlie: Oh, yea, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.

Alan: He’s 10.

[The girl comes down the stairs, she has got dressed and put her coat on.]

Girl: Charlie, I’m going to go.

Charlie: Oh no.

Girl: You two need to talk. I’ll call you tomorrow.

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Two and a half men 1×01 – pilot