By -=ShoEboX=- (This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)
Are you ready to be pulled over? Are you prepared to hand over your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced pig who doesn’t like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker? Take this simple quiz and find out!
Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just pulled you over. Below the questions are several possible responses. Choose the best response to each. Check your answers at the end.
1. Do you know why I’m pulling you over, son/maam? a. No, sir. b. Because you’re lonely? c. To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon? d. Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair? e. Because you wanted a donation to your police station? (Handing him a fifty or two) f. Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow? g. Because I’m pedaling too fast? h. Because I’m Ice-T?
2. Can I see your license and registration? a. Yes sir. (handing them over) b. Can I see your high school diploma? Oh, I forgot…you’re a cop. c. Wanna see pictures too? (pulling a string of family photos out of your wallet) Here’s my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her…oh, how did THAT picture get in here? d. I don’t have a license, and this car is stolen. e. (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing it to him)
3. Would you mind stepping out of the car? a. Of course, sir. (getting out) b. What? In this weather? c. Are you kidding? I’m too drunk to stand up! d. First, repeat after me: “I realize that you are not Rodney King.” e. This is a motorcycle, dumbass.
4. Walk along this line. a. Yes sir. (walking the line) b. No thanks…I just snorted one. c. Duuuude…which one? The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one in the middle that’s laughing at me? d. Are you sure you wouldn’t
rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?
5. You call that a straight line? a. Yes, sir. b. Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern! (NOTE: This is stolen from Emo Phillips)
6. Do you want to spend the night in jail? a. No sir. b. What are they serving for dinner? c. That depends. Are YOU gonna be there, big fella? (smiling seductively) d. Do the cells have ESPN? e. Sure! I haven’t seen your mom in months!
7. Hey, that’s my car! Don’t pee on that! a. Yes, sir (zipping up) b. Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)
SCORING —- Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered “a”. Give yourself 83 points if you answered “e” for #1. Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn’t going to happen. Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer “b” of #5 from an Emo Phillips routine. Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.
Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD cop.