The College Food Chain

THE DEAN Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Talks with God

PROFESSOR Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR Barely clears a quonset hut Loses tug of war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Treads water Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR Climbs walls continually Rides the rails Plays Russian Roulette Walks on thin ice Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings Says “Look at the choo-choo” Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance She IS God.



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The College Food Chain