Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It’s so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!
Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it’s good for removing toilet stains and rusting the arse out of 40-gallon drum.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.
I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don’t leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers
because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their wares.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can – you said that I would get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don’t mix with anybody or talk to anybody – you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
It’s weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.