Funny Quotes (part 3)
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O’Rourke
Never floss with a stranger.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright