Funny quotes (part 2 of 3)

Funny Quotes (part 2)

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.
Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis

I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

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Funny quotes (part 2 of 3)