Funny Quotes (part 2)
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like marriage. The idea.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I never said most of the things I said.
I rant, therefore I am.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Funny quotes (part 2 of 3)