Funny Quotes (part 1)
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
All men are equal before fish.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O’Rourke
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love
had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.
California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O’Rourke
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant